Mr. Clean/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ wipers squeaking and thumping, motor whirring ] don't you hate it when windshield-washer technology actually makes the windshield harder to see out of? You know, there's an old expression "never send a boy on a man's job" -- or if you're a lodge member, "never send harold on any job." so if you want a clean windshield, you need a man-size windshield washer. You see this tiny, little, puny thing here? This is a standard windshield-washer pump. This is for little squirts. We're gonna take that up a notch. This baby will really fire out the water. And speaking of fires, we're also gonna biggie-size our nozzle. [ tape stretching ] I got my pump running off the fan belt, and I'm using a water-cooler bottle as my reservoir. There were a whole pile of these behind the 7-eleven. Okay, I think we're ready for a road test. [ tape stretching ] [ tires screech ] [ motorcycle engine idling ] uh, my windshield's dirty. Thanks! [ whoosh! ] [ cheers and applause ] captioning made possible by acorn media I appreciate that. A bit of a setback this week up at the lodge. Stinky peterson had come up with a new recipe for pickled eggs au gratin. Uh, but he was shut down by the environmental protection agency. Uncle red! Uncle red! Red: Yeah? Wa-a-a! We have to clean up the lodge! We did. No, not just sort it into heaps by smell. Clean. The ontario tourist board is coming into this area. They're gonna be inspecting all the resorts, you know, so they can rate them for their brochure, and we cannot afford to have another rating of "dangerous to all life-forms." what are you talking about, harold? Last year we got three stars. Those were x's! We're the only xxx-rated lodge in the entire province! That's when we had so few people here, you know, and the ones who did come, we didn't want. Well, who cares, harold? We get along fine up here without all those yuppie families coming up with their kiwi suntan lotion and their bottled water. You know what? I feel like they're from another planet. Earth? Red. Yeah. You ought to see caribou lodge. It's like the ritz! The hotel or the cracker? The resort. They've cleaned everything up. There's no propane tanks piled up everywhere. There's no car engines hanging from the trees. There's no empties on the roof. Well, they're just trying to suck up to the tourist board. I know that, and they told me to tell you that they're gonna kick our butt in the ratings. Huh? They're bragging that they're gonna make possum lodge look like a dump! Well, don't you worry. You beat them to that. Harold, we beat them to almost everything. We hardly ever lose a competition to caribou lodge. Okay, well, then, you guys better decide to pitch in, clean up this place -- no, no, no, no. We don't need to pitch in. All we got to do is hire a cleaning -- a cleaning lady? Is that what you were really going to say? I guess not. Because that's demeaning, sexist, and politically incorrect. Man, it's getting so hard to be me. Good. [ groaning ] oh! [ both laugh ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! Today's winner receives this coupon for a complimentary treatment at chang lee's acupuncture palace. "apply for an acupuncture gold card and get extra points." all right, dalton. Cover your ears. Red, you got 30 seconds to get dalton humphrey to say this word -- "listen"! "listen." all right, winston. And, go! Okay, dalton, um... Your wife talks, and you... Cringe. No. Okay, no. I mean, she speaks, and then you... Give in? Okay. Okay. What about your daughter? When she tells you a story, you... Tune out. All right, let's flip it around the other way. Let's say when you talk to your wife, she has to... Interrupt. Okay, okay, say you pull up to a railway crossing, you stop, look, and... Stall. This is the opposite of "talk." [ sighs ] peace. Sweet, sweet peace! No, no, but -- no, but okay. This is peaceful, okay? You're in the forest, you're standing by a tree, and you're doing something. It rhymes with "glisten." I can't say that on television. It's... Yeah. Almost out of time here, red. Uh, okay, okay. Dalton, when your daughter wears her headphones, what's she doing? Oh, that's easy -- trying not to listen to me. [ bell dinging ] red: How many fish have we caught? Glen: You mean all of us altogether? Uh, you know, a grand total including what we released? Yeah. Uh, none. And how many bites have we had? None. Zero, zilch, nada! You know why? Because there are no fish in this lake -- sorry -- this chemical vat. You don't know that, harold. Yes. Yes, I do, uncle red. Fish cannot swim under floating garbage. This lake has the same ph as a truck battery. We've been fishing this lake our whole lives, harold. Harold: Yes, and you've been throwing stoves and outboard motors and snowmobiles in this lake all your lives, too. The fish would have to evolve into titanium rhinos to survive what you've done to them. Red: That's just not right, harold. We still catch fish here, don't we, glen? Yeah, yeah, uh, buster hadfield caught something here just a couple weeks ago. Yes, he fell in and caught diphtheria. There are no fish in this lake! There are fish here, harold. Know what we should do? Know what we should do? Know what we should do? Is we go get fish in another lake and then dip them in here to preserve them. Red: Oh, yeah? Well, what do you think about this, harold, eh? Ha ha ha ha! See what happens when you have skills and you use the right bait? Wow. Now, do you want to throw that back, or you want to try and clean it? It's a fish. [ saw buzzing ] you know, I think it was winston churchill who said, "never stand when you can sit... "never sit when you can lie down... And never lie down without the remote." sounds like my kind of guy, but I'm guessing he never had to cut his own lawn, what, with him being king of ireland or whatever it was. So this time I'm gonna show you how you can cut your lawn without using any energy -- well, not any of your own energy. First thing you want to do -- get yourself one of these self-propelled electric lawn mowers. I got this from mike. He's good for getting stuff cheap if you don't ask too many questions. You know what they say -- a good fence makes a good neighbor. Now, the electric units are not as good as the gas jobs, but they're quieter, and I find it hard to sleep in the same yard as an unmanned self-propelled gasoline mower. Now, there's a bit of complicated math involved with this project. The lawn mower's gonna wind around a wheel rim, eh, and move itself across the lawn. But to prevent you from missing a spot, the circumference of the wheel rim has to be the same as the width of the lawn mower. The actual formula, I believe, is 2 pi "r" equals coup de grass. Perfect. [ tape stretching ] to calculate pi, just get yourself a pie plate. [ tape stretching ] okay, here's the easy part. Just plug the lawn mower into the extension cord... And then tie it off to the front of the mower. The first time you cut the lawn, now, you'll have a few obstacles you might have to get through, so mount an electric chain saw on the front of the unit, and you want to plug that in, too. Then you just turn them both on... And you're good to go. Might want to move the dog inside first. Okay, this pretty much looks like the center of the yard to me. Even if isn't, it will be. [ tape stretching ] just wind the extension around the rim, and then go plug her in. You want to keep the cord good and high, though. Otherwise your automatic lawn mower will have the same history as america -- just one revolution. Other than that, it's just like a computer -- plug and play... Sure hope it doesn't crash. [ electricity crackles ] [ lawn mower whirring, chain saw buzzing ] [ tape stretching ] [ whirring and buzzing stops ] I want to talk to you older guys who have been married for as long as you can remember... ...Or are allowed to remember. You know, it never hurts to surprise your significant other, maybe buy her something or make her something. I suggest buy her something. Your wife knows how good a handyman you are. Heck, she's the one who drives you to the hospital. So buy her something. In fact, buy her flowers. Now, most men think flowers are dumb, but get this -- women don't. Bernice actually likes flowers. A bunch of flowers to her is like, I don't know, a '68 orange dodge charger with a racing cam and a hurst shifter. So, I buy bernice flowers. Most guys don't think that way. They get their sweetheart something they like themselves. You ladies who receive belt sanders for christmas know what I'm talking about. So if you want to make your partner happy, give her something she may actually want. And she may give you something you actually want... Something that used to happen in the backseat of that '68 charger! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ thump! ] have your septic pumped out regularly. An ounce of prevention... Is worth a ton of manure. [ machine whirring ] [ vacuum whirring ] I'll be right with you! [ vacuum stops ] well, uh, as you can see, getting the lodge cleaned up a little, getting ready for the tourist board readings inspection. We looked in to getting a cleaning l-- person. Uh... But, you know, we found it demeaning, uh, for us. We couldn't come up with 150 bucks. Uncle red. Wow! Red: Yeah? Yeah. You're really cleaning up in here! Yeah. Have you cleaned up your room, harold? 'cause if the tourist board sees those ken and barbie dolls, they'll rate us as a daycare center. Those are "star wars" collectibles figurines, thank you very much! And my room is always neat and tidy. Well, that's 'cause nothing ever happens in it. Okay, red. Yeah? Got the basement all cleaned up. Okay. Oh, by the way, can we get rid of all these animal heads? They are just impossible to dust. [ blows ] [ coughs ] we -- we -- we can talk about it, dalton. Okay. Yeah. Say, you know what? You look good. Oh? Well. Is that -- is that a new shirt? No, you know, I just washed it, but I'm using a new fabric softener. I think it really makes a difference. Yeah, you know what? It -- it's real nice. Yeah. Really brings out the color of your eyes, yeah. Would you two like to be alone? You know, you started this, harold. No, no, no, no, no, I just wanted the lodge to have a better tourist rating so we attract better tourists. We want to beat caribou lodge! Caribou lodge is not the point. If we all get good ratings, then there's enough business for everybody. Well, we know that, harold. But it just kind of fosters the competitive spirit if we can beat the crap out of those morons. [ both laugh ] no! It's not about that! It has nothing to do with us beating caribou lodge. There is no competition. Okay. [ both chuckle ] I'm serious, guys! There is no competition. Fine, fine. That's good. We're good. Besides, caribou lodge just put in a hot tub. Holy mack! They can't do that! It's not a competition. Red: We were gonna have a sleep-out just out under the stars, and, uh, the sky was looking a little rough there. Heard some thunder. It looked like maybe she might rain, so mike had the idea of maybe putting up some kind of a tarp. He had a small tarp in his -- what I thought was a small tarp in his bag. But it's funny how these things -- you know, as you unfold them, you realize, you know, how huge something like that -- and it seemed little heavier than a normal tarp. Of course, that's 'cause there was a frying pan stuck in the middle. [ fry pan whistling ] we got that out of there, and then mike just tied up the one corner to a tree. I would look out -- there we go. [ thud! ] so, later that day, we got mike up higher in the tree standing on winston's shoulders, who was, unfortunately, standing on my shoulders, but, you know, we did that okay leaning against the tree, but when it came time to move, it was very hard to balance. And these guys are not -- it's not cirque du soleil we got here, you know? [ tweet! ] but, anyway, we did get the tarp up, and we got under it in our sleeping bags. She was raining down there pretty good, and, uh -- but it was just an overnight thing. By the next morning -- beautiful day, beautiful day, and we were dry as a bone, but we were looking up and thinking, "oh, boy." we collected some rainwater overnight... And a certain amount of debris that comes with -- with any kind of a rain. So we're trying to head -- but mike said, "no, no, come on back." he's got an idea. This is how you use what nature gives you. He takes out his knife and he drops it, and then he -- not s-- not too sharp there, uh, mike. [ plink! ] ah. So, mike's not too sharp, either, so... What he's doing is making a little camp shower. So, he's showering away, and then the water -- the water stopped there. Something's plugging it, mike, something -- oh, it's a pinecone. [ pop! ] he takes that out, and away he goes again, and, uh -- and she plugs up again, and this time it's a pop can, and mike's had enough. So, winston steps up, and he -- his hat was dirty, so he's gonna wash that, and, uh... We got -- oh. That's a very large snake, uh, indigenous to the area. We get back to the campfire, and -- and water stops again. Winston thinks it's like a twig or something, but, of course, it's really not the twig. It's the, uh -- it's the actual snake, and then we hear him yell, and... I'm not sure how this part happened. [ rattling ] you might want to take the kids out of the room for this next part. Finally we get -- finally we think we got it 'cause he says, "no, it's okay. Okay, it's dead." good. We're good. This is not something I like to do. No, definitely not, but... Now, mike's been in prison, so no problem. And apparently it wasn't dead. It was just stunned. [ rattling ] and, of course, so was mike. [ mike screaming ] [ splat! ] every man knows that finding evidence of a leak on your garage floor is a bad sign, especially if you don't own a car. Now, I can't help you with that problem, but if you do have a car that leaks oil like mine does, here's what you do. Get yourself a kitty-litter box and grab your old high-school gym bag. [ sniffs ] whoa. Been a while. Okay, you reach in there. Rubber glove might have been a thought. Grab one of your old sweaty gym socks. I sure hope that's a sock. I sure hope this is my gym bag. Okay, you stand the sock straight up in the middle of the kitty litter, and then you slide the whole unit under the leaky car. The kitty litter would probably work better if this was a jaguar. [ tape stretching ] and there you have it. Not only have you solved your leaking problem, you've also made your very own scented candle. That'll burn for months. Remember kuwait? [ sniffs ] wow. Smells like the indy 500. Your garage smells good, and you got yourself a dandy night-light. [ cat meows ] [ whistle! Boing! ] well, we're done. We got the lodge looking mighty fine, we had the inspection, and the new tourist brochure came out today. And the winner is... Wa-a-a! I always wanted to say that -- "winner is!" I said it. Great. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You raised in a barn? Oh, sorry. Wow! It looks great! Boy! You know what? It doesn't matter what it says in this brochure. You did an excellent job cleaning up the lobby and everything else. Yeah. Yeah, it was nothing. Where'd you put everything? Doesn't matter. How'd we do, anyway? Okay, let's see. Okay. Here we go. Here we go. "ashley's place." yeah. "bobby's bunks." "cathy's cabin." wa-a-a! Harold, harold. Go to "p." I already went. No, in the brochure. Oh, oh, okay. All right, yeah, okay. When you said -- I thought -- okay. I know. "possum lodge"! Here we go! Wa-a-a! Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. Yeah. Two stars! That's not bad! Way to go! [ chuckles ] not bad? Two stars after we kill ourselves?! H-how did caribou lodge do? That's really not important. No, I need to know! How did caribou lodge do? I need to know. [ shuddering ] all right. Um, let's see. We got, um... Oh, there's "edna's eats." yeah. "dewdrop inn." yeah. That's a nice place -- dewdrop inn. Yeah? Oh, "caribou lodge"! Here we are. Yeah? Yeah? One star? Ha ha ha ha! Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. How did we beat them?! I have no idea, harold. I don't know. "nice place, but watch out for the stuffed animal heads floating in the hot tub." [ screeching ] oh, there's the meeting, harold. Away you go. Away you go, then. Away you go. Away you go. [ laughs ] I'll be down in a minute. I'm just gonna get this place back to normal. [ laughs ] so, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I learned a lot this week. Oh, sure, it's satisfying to work and improve yourself, but it's more satisfying to just point out somebody worse. [ laughs ] which is how I stole you from your boyfriend. Huh? And, the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. Captioning made possible by acorn media [ screeching ] come on, guys. Sit down, now. Guys, come on in. Have a seat, everybody. Have a seat. Come on, guys. Sit down. Meeting's coming to order. Sit down. All rise. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. All: I'm a man... But I can change... If I have to... I guess. All right, men, as you know, we got a new policy here trying to clean up the lodge, so I'm looking for your permission to order a swiffer. Uh, all those in favor? Okay, I said, "order a swiffer," not "order a stripper."